Raised on a reservation in Montana, John Sidmore’s life drastically changed when his mother died suddenly at age five, which he later found out was a suicide. Left with his younger brother and a man who wasn’t his biological father, John’s life became overwhelmed with the belief that he didn’t truly fit in anywhere. Convinced he was “less than” everyone else around him, he struggled to fill his pain and insecurities with alcohol, weed and codependent relationships. John’s journey to sobriety is filled with everything from intense heartache to full-circle healing. In this interview, he shares what brought him to choose sobriety and his commitment to stay sober no matter what comes his way.
NOTE: We had a few technical difficulties during the recording, so you may hear a few random technical glitches in the recording, but you'll still be able to hear the full story.
Raised on a reservation in Montana, John Sidmore’s life drastically changed when his mother died suddenly at age five, which he later found out was a suicide. Left with his younger brother and a man who wasn’t his biological father, John’s life became overwhelmed with the belief that he didn’t truly fit in anywhere. Convinced he was “less than” everyone else around him, he struggled to fill his pain and insecurities with alcohol, weed and codependent relationships.
John’s journey to sobriety is filled with everything from intense heartache to full-circle healing. In this interview, he shares what brought him to choose sobriety and his commitment to stay sober no matter what comes his way.
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Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[00:00:00] Hello beautiful people, welcome to the courage to change, a recovery podcast. My name is Ashley Loeb Blassingame, and I am your host. Today we have John Sidmore, raised on a reservation in Montana, John Sidmore's life drastically changed when his mother died suddenly at age five, which he later found out was a suicide. Left with his younger brother and a man who wasn't his biological father, John's life became overwhelmed with the belief that he didn't truly fit in anywhere. Convinced he was less than everyone else around him, he struggled to fill his pain and insecurities with alcohol, weed, and codependent relationships. John's journey to sobriety is filled with everything from intense heartache to full circle healing. In this interview he shares what brought him to choose sobriety, and his commitment to stay sober no matter what comes his way. You guys, awesome, awesome.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
John talks about getting sober and growing up on a reservation, and finding out that his father who raised him was not his biological father, the same month that he found out that his mother had completed suicide. And it just gets even wilder from there. I hope you all enjoy. I've had a wonderful time talking to John towards the end of our interview about recovery, what it takes to stay sober. And John definitely has done a lot of work to get to where he is today. Really, really cool to hear. And he's also a Lionrock alumni, so got to love that. So, without further ado, episode 65. Let's do this.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
John, thank you so much for being here. Welcome.
John Sidmore:
Thank you for having me.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So tell us a little bit about yourself, because what I know that you are Native American, and you are in recovery to two plus years right?
John Sidmore:
Yeah I'm just about the second of August will be two and a half years.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Awesome, awesome. And you've been to a couple different treatment centers.
John Sidmore:
Just the one.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Oh, just the one. Okay.
John Sidmore:
Yeah. I was trying to do a couple different options, and that's option that was available for me, and glory to God I went.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Awesome. So tell us a little bit about where you grew up, and what your life was like early on with your family.
John Sidmore:
[00:02:34] Growing up, I grew up in Kalispell Montana. I'm the oldest of two. We grew up... My mother passed away when my brother and I were real little. I was five he was three. Raised by a single parent. My dad was the single parent, and I really don't know how he did it, but he did it. There was two of us. We started out... Everything was good, and 17 was kind of a big awakening for me. And then, that's kind of where, right in through there is kind of where it changed a lot for me.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So let's back up just a little bit, your mother she passed away, how... You were five. What was that... And your, you said your brother's younger?
John Sidmore:
Yes.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So what was that like when that happened, and when you got that information?
John Sidmore:
[00:03:17] A lot of that to a five year old, didn't know how to compute. We were just told she died of alcohol poisoning, is what we were told, like our whole life. There was a lot of... A lot of growing up was about, what do you kind of do with this information type deal. With kids are with their moms, we're not, where's the dad? It was different, and he still, I mean we went fishing all time, we did everything. And it was really good. It's just we didn't have that other piece. And for the longest time, we just had done the whole... It's traumatic and everything, but the whole thing was just, just kind of, she died of alcohol poisoning, and that's what everybody led us to believe. And that's pretty much how it went through.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So when you say everybody led us to believe that, it turned out that she didn't die of alcohol poisoning, right?
John Sidmore:
Yes. I found out a lot of stuff on my 17th year. With my mother's passing, there was a lot of I don't knows. I mean I went through gifted and talented, a bunch of stuff because I would always, they would always say that I was real mature for my age. I would do a lot of things different than other kids. And a lot of it was just because, I was five, I remember, and it was something traumatic. And I think a lot of it was just I didn't know what to do with it. And for a five year old, I don't think you ever will. I always took care of my brother, and that's what it was. It was just taking care of him and doing for him.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
What did... Oh I guess I've two questions. My first question is, how did your dad coach you through other people having the mom and you guys not having that? And then what... Did they tell you when you found out that it wasn't alcohol poisoning?
John Sidmore:
[00:05:03] My dad is the youngest of 12. So he had a lot of sisters and aunts, and they kind of filled in that gap. The whole family kind of did. We did a lot with grandma, a lot with aunts. So there wasn't a whole lot of the mom there. I mean, our aunts and our grandma kind of like mom had filled it in. I found out after my dad and I were arguing. I left the house. As arguing... I was just about 17, got in an argument, and I'd went through some papers before. I mean we weren't doing too good, he was still in his addiction, and I was just starting mine. And I found some paperwork that did say suicide for my mother. And then shortly after I left the house, like walked away from everything, went to see a friend, didn't want anything to do with him.
John Sidmore:
I didn't have a driver's license. I didn't have my social security card or anything else because I'd left it at the house. I went to go get my social security card. And I told them my mother's maiden name, Cheryl Ann Edwards. Father's name, Edroy Sidmore. And they're like, that's not what's on here. And just by chance at the social security office, they mentioned A Hayden. And I found out, and traced it around. And pretty much lied to my family and told them, look I already know this side if the story, what's your guys side. And they're like, oh shit, he knows. That's when they kind of opened up and said okay well he's this guy, he's this. And all-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Wait, wait, wait. So hold on, so you, let me get this... So you find out that your mother committed suicide, that she did not, she did not die of alcohol poisoning. And then you go to get a driver's license-
John Sidmore:
Yep. My social security card. Yep.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Your social security card rather, and you find out that your father is not your father?
John Sidmore:
Yeah, it was like within three months of itself, with everything going on. And then after we did that, their timeline.... After that had happened, then we kind of contact him. We were staying with friends. Roy which is my father that raised me, or my dad that raised me, had wanted to try and get us back. And try to get us back in the home, because my little brother had left at the same time too. He couldn't do that because we're Native American. So we became ward's of the state, and we got sent to the reservation because we are federal property. Because-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
John Sidmore:
Yup. You have an identification number, and you're under 18, and you're Native American. You don't have any place to be suited to, the tribe can take you. So the tribe took us, and we had our aunts and everything there. So halfway through my senior year I moved.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Which tribe, and why did-
John Sidmore:
Blackfeet.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay, and that was in Montana too?
John Sidmore:
And they took us because we talked about that. Yeah. That's in Montana, right next to Glacier National Park. And they'd taken us, and we'd talk to our aunt and everything and let her know kind of what's going on, which direction to go. And she'd actually contacted the tribe, got us and we were placed with her. Because we're federal, we have an identification number, being a Native. Everything got pulled into there, so the federal government said, hey look, this is where they're going, nothing else could be done. So I get yanked over there, it was actually-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
How old were you when that happened?
John Sidmore:
17. It was that same timeline of that-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So I have a question about that though. So Roy, who's your, who's the dad who raised you, yeah. So Roy... This all happens, you're 17, you find this, all this information out, right. And then you want to leave Roy, and so you're on the run so to speak. Like you don't have anywhere to go, and then the federal government intervenes?
John Sidmore:
Yup. Yup.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay, okay.
John Sidmore:
That's how the timeline is. Is we'd left and we didn't want to go back, and we've contacted our aunt. And we didn't know that, no hey look, this is how it works.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Right, right, right. Okay.
John Sidmore:
[00:08:57] Found out how it worked. [crosstalk 00:09:00] And then, so that was like Thanksgiving Day, I think is when... Yes, Thanksgiving day when we went over from our friend's house and then moved over with her. And then that was just the start of everything, because over there it was just kind of like, we were distant from that family to begin with. There's a lot of reasons why, just because there's a lot of, there's a lot of stuff that was going on over there. Just the poverty, the using, not so much drugs just using in general for financial gain, stuff like that. That's what we were apparently used for. I found after that... That following year, I moved to Dillon to try to see what's going on with my actual father, because I tracked him down. Moved here to Dillon, and had kind of just walked away from all of it. And then-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So, what was life like... You get to the reservation at 17, you're with aunt and your brother. And you're also at this, this is also the start of your addiction. What is life on the reservation like? Because this is, it sounds like this is your first real introduction to-
John Sidmore:
I had a little bit. Yeah, I had a little bit just growing up, just trying. And played around with it. Smoked a lot of pot. Drank every little bit, like just a little bit. Mainly just would smoke pot and smoke cigarettes. And then when we got to the reservation, there was still a little bit of it. But not as much because we were under a lot more, I mean our aunt wouldn't let us go down the street. The reservations really poor because there's nothing there for our economy. I mean you're looking at a little bit of tourism, some ag stuff, six bars, two churches, two convenience stores, and a hospital. Yeah, that's where we're at.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So, for those of us who don't have that exposure, what is different about living on a reservation than living out in the rest of society? From what I understand, there are the basically reservation officers, cops, like that is the... There are different laws, it's very-
John Sidmore:
[00:11:18] Oh yeah, yeah there is. The reservation's a sovereign nation. So it is an exact, it's owned. You don't pay state taxes when you work on the reservation. If you are a Native American you have more rights to do stuff on there than everybody else. There's a lot of stuff that there that... Like the economy, there isn't a lot of the economy, there's a lot more... There's just a lot more stuff that, it's just like, there's ag base, there's tribal rules, there's tribal this. And it's just kind of, it's almost, it's the perfect idea of socialism is what it is. Because the government pays everything, because you can't do anything. You get incentives if you're on the reservation to stay on the reservation.
John Sidmore:
Like when we're over there, we got, my aunt got more money for us because we were on there and in her care. And that was part of the bread-winning for the family, because there's nothing really for jobs, there's nothing really to do there. There's a lot of addiction and alcoholism because there's nothing to do. I mean we went over there Thanksgiving Day, 2003. It was 25 below, 60 mile an hour wind, and there was nothing there. You have Glacier National Park, and then you have three trees, and the Badlands. That's the reservation. There's nothing there.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So they, so it was similar to like the foster care system, where they're getting money for taking care of you guys and so-
John Sidmore:
That's what Matt wanted, to see when... We thought it was all that, oh look she was being nice and wanting to help us out. Now we figured out that she got an incentive from the government, first of all for having us in care. She got child support from Roy, because they're in care. And then she got additional incentives for the housing and for everything else because we were in her care. So it wasn't really like, oh look great, come over here by Roy and I. It was because she got money from us, for having us there.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[00:13:21] And what was, was it... Aside from that you said there's a lot of addiction, there's a lot of, there's not a lot to do. What do people do? And did you feel, finding that stuff out, did you feel safe on the reservation?
John Sidmore:
I felt safe on it. I felt sad mainly because there wasn't a lot to do. I mean, kids go to school, they do a lot of basketball, a lot of sports because that's the only thing you can really do besides... Besides high school sports, I mean, you can go out and buy a bottle of Dick's and walk around the street and drink. That's about what you've got. There's nothing, no huge buildings. Now they got a couple of casinos and another lodge and stuff. But when I was there, like I say, all those years ago there was nothing.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Do you identify with, has Native American identity been a part of you, your recovery, or your life? Is there any peace?
John Sidmore:
Yes. Yes and no. It's been off and on through my life. I identify with the tribe, do a little more stuff. Lately more than anything, learning a lot more of my language. And a lot of my tribe actually, there's... In America they're called Blackfeet, or Piegan Siksika, which is the Blackfeet and the Native American in Montana. The Blackfoot confederacy is the rest of the tribes, they're in Canada, and they literally go from above Montana, all the way to the coast, is where they're spread out over. There is five different bands, and we're actually one of the bands. So I found that out recently looking through a bunch of stuff. And it's saying this ban, a lot... In Canada there's a lot better setup than there is in America for what's going on with the natives.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. Somehow that doesn't surprise me. So, did you get in, did you play a lot of sports? Or did you start to get into the drinking, and what was that like?
John Sidmore:
Mainly I got into the just working, getting through. And I didn't really do a whole lot of sports before because I was kind of shy, and I was always working. Roy always worked, I always worked. Always tried doing our stuff. Had my own money to buy my own stuff, do my own things. And that was kind of what we had to do. Because he could make enough to support us and everything else like that, and wouldn't be an issue. But as far as anything extra, that's where... He was in his addiction too. And looking back I can see what's going on that, you didn't get anything extra because somebody had to drink on the weekend too. And we never seen him drink one bit with us. In my whole life I've never seen that man ever with a beer in his hand besides in pictures when we were kids. And I've never seen him passed out on the floor, or high or anything else.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So how did you know he was in his... Like what tells you-
John Sidmore:
Looking back.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Looking back. Just-
John Sidmore:
Yeah.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay. And so you take off to find your biological father, and this is like 18?
John Sidmore:
Yeah, this is 18.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay.
John Sidmore:
I was able to leave my aunt because she wasn't getting any more money, so it was like hey, you're out.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay. What about your brother did he stay?
John Sidmore:
Oh, he stayed.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay. He stayed. And how did he take that split?
John Sidmore:
[00:16:42] I think that was a lot of the downward spiral for him. That was a lot of the resentment he still holds today for me, because I just left him there, because I had to do my own thing. And that's the reason why he's a couple states away and hasn't made contact in a while. And that's kind of where we're at. That's another thing that needs to be healed and bridged, but not at this time.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. Okay, so you go see your dad, and did you find him?
John Sidmore:
Yeah, I found him. And actually the people that were we at, and people that we were staying ats house in Kalispell, my friends, they actually where from Dillon. And they kind of had known the family, this family. And down here, came down here. Seen him. And Montana's big, but it's not, seems like everybody knows everybody anyway. And came down here, and it was good, because I was going to come down here for six months, and then I was going to go to WyoTech in Wyoming for mechanics. I was going to go college, or I kind of had that set up. That fell through.
John Sidmore:
Pretty much just hung out for a first couple years, smoked a lot of weed, drank, didn't have really any responsibilities. And then after a couple years, and I guess this would be a year. Then got a job, started working again. Started just going from there, working and kind of doing my own thing. Met a girl. Was with her for, I think a year. Then we had my son. And that was a great time in my life, just because of where I was at for work, and what I was kind of doing.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
What were you doing for work?
John Sidmore:
[00:18:26] For a while there I was doing, I was an electrician apprentice. And before that I had worked tires for just a bit, and that was doing the electrician apprentice. And then when she had my son, I was supposed to go across the state and keep working, and I didn't know how it was going to be for her. Looking back, it was a lot my insecurities that kept me just like, hey look, I got to stay with her. I got to make sure she's okay. Worried about her leaving me. A lot of the stuff had ran through... Looking back I see a lot of that because it stems off of, with my mother and not getting that taken care of. Then recently, as in like a week and a half ago, I started lining up everything. I had an epiphany and everything had lined through that this is what kind of has changed John since five years old.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. I'm sure.
John Sidmore:
29 years ago.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Well, and the another thing I'm thinking about, number one that's five years old. Because even if you think it's alcohol poisoning, you still know that there was alcohol chosen over you, right.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So, whether it's suicide or alcohol poisoning. It's one is suicide, alcohol is suicide on the installment plan, so it's just a different... And the father thing, it's interesting I'm thinking about that is, one of the things that, I know is that you, everybody knew that that Roy wasn't your real father. And not only did you not know, but everybody else did know, and no one told you. And then to find out the way that you did. And at the same time, find out that your mother didn't die... How do you trust people? How do you, how do you trust anyone?
John Sidmore:
[00:20:00] See, and that's what had stemmed... Looking back a lot of it, stemmed from there. I was always... Always thought that I was a three, everybody else was a five. So you got, there's a gap, you are less than that. Being the only brown kid in an all white school that kind of added to it. Not because it... I've never seen anything racist in my life. But I believed it was, and my insecurity told me it was. And that never went uncheck, that went unchecked for years, and that's what like 99 and a half percent of my problems have been. So you see, there was a lot of that that had happened.
John Sidmore:
And my insecurity, there was like... I got told at a young age, even if you're not blood your family. And I, it was something probably in passing of something else that I didn't even, it wasn't even related to me at all. But I picked it up, and I was like that's kind of an odd thing to say. And when I remember my uncle, who didn't like Natives and was always with, always arguing with Roy. Let me know that you're born a piece of shit, you're going to die a piece of shit, just deal with it. I got told that about six. There was a lot of stuff that, I just had picked up weird things. And then when everything came together at 17, everybody knew, but didn't tell me. I thought myself to be odd and insecure. And then this right here, like this right here just boosts it. Like, yep. It's true. 100%. You have, you are the problem, you are the oddball out. It is you. The whole time you were thinking it was you, it was, see.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And you don't belong to anybody. You're-
John Sidmore:
Yup. Right. Yup. Because it's a wreck. That's what it is, and that's why I jumped to come down here.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So is Roy Native American?
John Sidmore:
No.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay.
John Sidmore:
My mother was.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[00:21:52] Your mother was. Okay. And then why did Roy... Obviously he loves you guys very much to do what he did and take such good care, to raise you, whatever. I can't speak to the quality, but to be willing to do that, and for children that turned out to be not his. What was his relation to you and your mother?
John Sidmore:
As far as... He loved my mother, and looking back, like I say, I never thought about a lot of it. Past couple weeks have got me feeling a lot more of the others. Of what kind of, a lot more stuff that lined up like, okay this is what it is. I asked him before, and we'll kind of circle back to that later on. I asked him before when an incident came up with me. And he... I asked him, I was like, okay, how did you do it? How did you straight up be like, this isn't my child, he's five years old. His mother just committed suicide. And the youngest ones mine at three. And decide, screw it, I'm going to take it on. And he's like, two little boys, need somebody watch them, here I am. And then that's what he took on.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So your younger brother, he is the father of your younger brother?
John Sidmore:
As far as I know. As far as everybody else knows.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay. Okay.
John Sidmore:
I've heard stories, but he's just claimed that way. They're both just same [inaudible 00:23:12] so it's definite, as far as I'm concerned.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay, okay. And so then when you find your real dad, where did he go?
John Sidmore:
He was told, he told me he was told that I was a girl. And that, not to worry about it. And that's what he did. Like that's the whole-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
I literally don't understand, what do you mean?
John Sidmore:
Okay, so he was told that my mom was pregnant. And he told me that she told him, told him that I was being born a girl, not being born John Sidmore-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Wait, wait, wait. But I'm saying like why would, why does that... Do girls not need fathers?
John Sidmore:
[00:23:51] I don't know, that's what he said. And from there... That's where the story kind of breaks up. Because now I'm trying to get the truth out of somebody that may have been around, may have not been around. May have not tried. May have just hey look, she's pregnant, she's going back with him, don't worry about it. And then 17 years later somebody's knocking on your door. And you play off the good guy, and nod off the, oh look I just the guy that screwed around and didn't want to take any responsibility. And oh yeah, yeah. I was there, I was the nice guy. That's what I kind of got out of it.
John Sidmore:
Then came down here. And, it was all right for the first little bit. But then there's nothing in common with either one of these two men in my life. There's my biological father, and there's Roy. There's night and day. One's got a career and has done a lot with his life, and the other one is just kind of, bunch of junkyard, dinks around, works when he wants to. He just did all the freedom stuff, just to have his own freedom. Nothing for retirement, nothing saved away. Nothing that most people are going to want to achieve in their life, there isn't that. And then I like I say, Roy is the opposite of that. He's got everything that I want to do with my life.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Did you stay with your dad? So you went down there, did you stay with-
John Sidmore:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
You did stay with him. Okay.
John Sidmore:
[00:25:16] Yeah, I stayed with him, and that's where it was like the carefree kind of life. And then just recently, like recently in the past year or two, past three years, Roy kind of came back into my life. Roy, when the backstory is when Richard... Richard's my younger brother. When Richard and I left and wound up going, being part of, going to the tribe and everything else. Roy quit smoking meth, quit drinking, and quit smoking, and started, and hit his rock bottom when we left. And started his recovery when I was 17.
John Sidmore:
So that, fast forward to where, a few years ago. I wanted to try get clean, and he is always... We'd talk, like eight years ago we started talking again. And the incident time, all the other stuff with everything. And started talking again, and he's actually one of my biggest supporters to be in recovery. Then that's... He's the one that kept terrorizing me about quitting, quitting, quitting. And then finally I did. And he helped me quit smoking too, so it was good.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So, okay, that's awesome. What a cool come around, full circle. So you said that you had... Your son was born, it was a really great time in your life, and you were insecure about leaving her alone. And then you had a couple other children as well, right?
John Sidmore:
Yes. And see I always have this thing that she was always going to leave me. She was always going to leave me, because everybody's going to leave me. There were just my insecurities running. And looking back I can see this night and day of what everything was. And-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Right. In your defense, you had a good reason to think that.
John Sidmore:
[00:27:02] Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And like I say, so I had that, so that was like... When I got down here to Dillon, my insecurities came true because everybody knew besides John, and it's true. So then I kind of buried my addiction a little more. And then I just kept working, and then home, wife. Got my son, and then a couple years later, my daughter was being born. That was the next step, perfect family, one of each. I started drinking a little more. A lot of it was just work. And I'd feed off, I'd suppress a lot my emotions by drinking. I would feed off my chaos theory. I would work until I was physically exhausted so I could drink, so it'd work. And then it wound up being that I'd be stressed about work so I could drink. And I'd have to go to work because I'd have to be able to buy something to drink, and it kept being that vicious circle. That vicious cycle of... I'd buy myself my next drink by nine o'clock because I'd be stressed about work, like I know I'm drinking tonight. That's what it was, and it just kept compounding.
John Sidmore:
And about eight years in the one spot. It was just like no raises, nothing, dead end job. Didn't care, drank a lot. Let's say my son was born, right around that time I'd quit for a bit, and I quit smoking, chewing. I quit smoking for all the kids. I quit smoking in the house, and I quit smoking around my wife. Because I was like, I'll be damned if this kid has asthma because I smoked in the house. I'm not doing that. So I'd quit a lot of it, and then it was like... And doing kids of course, I picked it right up.
John Sidmore:
And then, I always had the insecurity, I got to leave, got to leave. Not good enough, not good enough. So, I get a phone call when I'm working, about 100 miles away from my house. I get a phone call saying don't hate me, don't take this out on the kids, dah, dah, dah, dah. Your daughter's not yours. Kid that we just had that we named after your younger brother, isn't yours. And the one that I'm carrying now isn't yours.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
This call is from your wife?
John Sidmore:
Yes. That nine year, when we were nine year after being married, just about nine years.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Why would she... What?
John Sidmore:
[00:29:13] I don't know. She never, she told me finally that her guilt had just finally got to her. A lot of my insecurities are keeping her there, making sure she was here, doing this. You got to be here, you got to be here. That's what marriage is, you just smothered me. You made it where, I was just like I couldn't do anything. So, when I did find somebody that let me do anything, then that's who I was with. Then, the guy that she was with and chose to be, was my best friend for like 10 years. So when those two decided to be together, and both those two decided to walk out my life, what's John left with? He's left with the PBR he's been drinking for the past 10 years. And that's it. That's the coping mechanism.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah, for sure. [crosstalk 00:30:01] And you're left with more evidence-
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. Because it's true. Because it's true.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Right. More evidence that everybody leaves.
John Sidmore:
Yeah. And that I wasn't good enough. And that I wasn't... This is what it is. So, that's where it is. And then I was just off to the rails. I mean right off the rails. Because now I don't have the kids, I have them every other weekend for a while there because I was drinking so much, couldn't have the kids. So, poor me, pour me another drink, that's what it was. Work, drink, work, drink, work, drink.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And what did your drinking look like?
John Sidmore:
It looked like... And if it was real bad the night before, it'd be five in the morning. Be cracking a beer, pouring it in the orange juice to get myself to work. At lunch if I had a chance then I'd drink a beer, but usually wouldn't. And then after work, it would be a 12 pack and two tall boys to get me to about dinnertime. And then I'd always drive back in town to grab a couple more, because I always had the thing that, if there's beer in the fridge I'd be okay. If not then, I mean, whether I drink it or not I have to have it there.
John Sidmore:
Then it was just sneaking it wherever I could. Around the kids. Changing stuff. I tried changing it up because I was like, I'd realized I was drinking too much, so I change brands, change this. When I drink, how much I drink. And I'd get the thirst. All of a sudden I'd have, just out of the blue, one beer isn't even doing anything. And then I'd drink a case of beer, and another case. The one time I looked down, I'm like, I drank two cases, there's nothing. And just, that's when I knew a lot of it was kind of going off the rails. I knew, subconsciously and consciously, I knew that there was something going on. But at the time I didn't care, because I was able to just quiet-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And you're by yourself. Yeah.
John Sidmore:
[00:31:48] Yeah. I was by myself. And then, I was by myself, and then my brother came down with his friend. And that's the second part of the shit show, because he came down and he already had his own... I mean we kind of rekindled a little bit of friendship, brotherly love and everything. He was going to come down to help me. So he came down. There was drinking, gambling. He never did finish the bathroom that he came down there to do. We were going to remodel this bathroom, and it's half remodeled through like four years.
John Sidmore:
But we kind of had it out either way, just because of the drinking and a lot of the bad choices. He shot himself in the knee one time, with a 22 pistol. It was entirely by accident, alcohol was not a huge factor in that, but it was still a factor. We had shots fired in the house when Brandon and I were there. His friend... Because Richard wanted to just be a shit, he'd just shoot, take... He took the rifle and he'd just shoot in the floor, just to be a shit. Just to see what kind of stuff would provoke us, or would make anything like... He was trying to start an argument, tried to start anything just because he could. That was [inaudible 00:33:07].
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
So, does he have a drinking problem or a substance problem?
John Sidmore:
[00:33:12] Yeah, Brandon is his friend that came down. Brandon Meyer was his friend that came down with him, and he's part of my story towards the end too. So, he... They come down, do all that. Fast forward. Richard borrows my car, goes to town, gets a DUI. Okay. Because he's doing 65 in a 25, but the cops after him. Typical Richard, aggravated, yelling at them and everything else. So, it's his third DUI. So now we got to drive him in and out, twice a day to do a breathalyzer on the 24/7 program. So, soon as he gets done with his blows at eight in the morning, I got to be at work at nine, because I had made arrangements for all this. Then it's town pump, two tallboys, because he can slam two of them and get drunk before he has to blow again at night. And he's got it timed out to where every time and he's still good, because we're smart alcoholics like that. That's how you got to do it.
John Sidmore:
So go through that, and it's still the more, same old shit. And for me it's, like I'm drinking. I got pulled over, no DUI. Got pulled over again, no DUI. Cop pulled over. I pulled the trunk button on my car, trunk pops up. I'm out there slamming my trunk, like what's going on. And the officers just like okay, he just drives off. Because he realized that that's why I was swerving. Just little stuff like that, so I never got in trouble for anything. And that's where, after he had an issue-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
He had an issue with how you were living your life. What were you doing that was more-
John Sidmore:
He had an issue with me and how I was living my life and everything.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay, okay, okay.
John Sidmore:
And he was in this 24/7 program. Yeah, like I couldn't do this right, I couldn't do this right, because it wasn't how he would do it. John can't take care of himself, that's why Richard has to be here to do it for him.
John Sidmore:
So, at work I got a call one day, because we had worked on this lady's car, and it needed a lot of work. This lady called into, when I was working at the tire shop, and had actually donated, was wanting to donate a vehicle. And I was the one that picked up. And I was the one that said I would take the vehicle. Richard was extremely jealous of that vehicle, that I got it, because he'd always let me know that I'm just going to trash it. You're just going to treat it like shit, it's just going to go to waste. On, and on, and on, just trying to get me to give it to him. Well the title comes in the mail, Richard goes to Washington with the Toyota. He hasn't came back since. Because God forbid I could have something that would super benefit me and my family, and everything else. But Richard couldn't have it, so Richard would leave.
John Sidmore:
And at the same time, Richard left, this is after I got sober. We were kind of bouncing around, but Richard left after I got sober. Just after I got sober. Because when I went and decided to go to... What happened is, I finally decided to... I got in trouble with CPS. What it was is, there was a report from my kids that dad was drunk the night before, they came to the school and asked them because somebody had said something at the school. And I got talked to by CPS, like hey look, you got to figure something out, dah, dah, dah. Your kids are saying this in school, there is a concern.
John Sidmore:
And that's kind of right about the same time when I was looking around of like, what am I going do? Where am I going to go? I'd start talking about getting sober while I was drinking, and everybody I think does. Then I started talking about getting sober when I was sober. People are like, well maybe. Tried to get me into treatment. Well luckily through my work, my insurance covered a lot. First treatment was in Washington. It was nine months out. Second treatment was in South Dakota. They were 15 months out. Then-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Like waiting list?
John Sidmore:
Yeah, waiting lists. That's how long. So, Rimrock which is here in Montana, wouldn't work with my insurance. And for $9,000 and eight months later, than I could walk into their 30 day program. So, those are great. And the native one for where I could step up there was anywhere from nine months to a year out. It was free as well, but same thing is nine months doesn't do you any good when you finally want to get sober. So, I called around, and Banyan called me, out of Fort Lauderdale of all places. 2314 miles. I googled it from where I lived to [inaudible 00:37:44].
John Sidmore:
And they'd talk to me, and had called me every night. Every night, and I'd be drinking every night. And I'd be like, yeah. The guys like, how's it going tonight? And I'd crack a beer, and I'm like, that's how it's going. And I was like, and I'd talked to him. And the guy literally had bullshitted with me enough, to where he's like, you should just come down here, try it out. Drink the whole way here. We don't want you to be sober and come down here. Get you on the plane, I had never been on a plane before, nothing like that. So he's like, okay, he's finding me tickets. And, just bullshitting me the whole way there pretty much. And my family had put up the money. Roy actually is one that bought the plane ticket for me to go down to Fort Lauderdale.
John Sidmore:
So here I am never been on a plane before. Get on a plane, drink the whole way there. February 1, 2018... That's why my sober dates the second, because the first I went down there, dropped into Miami-Dade airport there. I can see lights for as far as I can see. Nothing else, just drunk. Get picked up by Banyan, and get there are there's seven lanes of traffic, and there's like seven million people in Miami-Dade County. And I'm like there's almost a million in Montana, like in the whole state of Montana. They're talking about me, do you want to leave? You got to do this. And I'm like, I don't even know which way is north. I'm 2300 miles away from home, nobody's getting me a bus ticket. I am stuck here, so let's do that. And that's what I did.
John Sidmore:
[00:39:17] When I got into, when I got into Banyan, because I was at Banyan Boca starting out, it was actually really good. I got in there, and there's a whole bunch of other people. And it was a really good environment. And I just started kind of... I'd been in the program a little bit because Roy had... Roy went to AA meetings and stuff, off and on. And so, like oh, kind of picked up that maybe he did have a drinking problem. But we never see him drink, so it wasn't a huge deal for us. So played around with the big book, played around with a little bit of the, a couple of the other recovery stuff. The Buddhist one and stuff like that in there. And then I realized something in rehab. I was talking my counselor about forgiving myself, what kind of, some of the core stuff. She kind of started it out.
John Sidmore:
But I realized, I was like, I am 2314 miles away from anybody I know. When we're talking about opening up, telling our darkest fears, anything like that. I did, because everybody there... If you took everybody there in most of those rooms, and gave them $100 and a pen, and told them, point Dillon Montana out on a map. 90% of them probably couldn't find Montana. And the rest of them couldn't find Dillon, Montana when it's... The Beaverhead County is the size of Delaware. And we have seven... I think we actually have 8500 people in the whole county where I'm at. There is nothing here. We're 60 miles from the nearest Walmart, Wendy's. Yeah, there's nothing, middle of nowhere.
John Sidmore:
So I just told everybody everything, like my darkest feelings of my mother. My resentments. Why I hated myself. How I felt. How hard it was, and just let it pour out. Like I always said, like taking off my coat of shame and guilt. I just did, because everybody there, I mean I was the first one from Montana. I was like nobody's going to find me. Because that was my thing is, that was my insecurity. Was somebody's going to hold this over you. Oh, I know something about you. And for the rest of my life, before that, everything came true. So I really don't want to tell somebody something that I hold dear, and then have it be held over me. And luckily, I was able to have a spot to do that.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And when you did that, was it as scary as you thought it was going to be? Did it turn out, when you got it out were people like, oh my God, yeah that's horrible? How did it feel?
John Sidmore:
[00:41:47] No. No. Actually, to tell you... The closest feeling is like when you're on a diving board, right. And you're like, F. And then you just jump, and that's just that little bit of just free fall of nothing. Of just bliss. There's nothing pushing on you, you're not any direction, you're just floating. That's what it was for me. And the more I shared it, and the deeper I shared it, the more I put the more feeling into it, and the more of everything, the better I felt.
John Sidmore:
That whole deal of secrets keep you sick, like yeah... After going through that part. And it's 45 days of that, I mean it was, it was awesome. It was something that got me to where I could be somewhere else. I could, I told my story, I told how I felt. People had a lot, I mean they're... Then hearing other people's stories, and I'm like mine isn't all that bad compared... And it started getting me going in the right direction. And a lot of it was like... I remember looking in the mirror, about three years before that. And then when I was there I actually looked in the mirror and I'm like, actually wanted to see who was there. And kind of started figuring out who John was, when I started there. Then I that came back, and it came back to... 45 days later came back and I already had a career. I have property here. There was a lot of stuff I had to come back to, other than that I would've stayed longer.
John Sidmore:
But it was great going through all that, and it kind of instilled a lot of stuff. I mean, I still got all my stuff from Banyan, all the notes I wrote down. Just kind of a reminder, my story before how everything was. And then I come home, sit down on the plane, second time being on a plane. First time being in Texas, went through Dallas airport, was great. I was sober. Scared. Wondering what's going on, because the last time I was on a plane, they were like, that drunk guy just point him over there. He'll be fine.
John Sidmore:
So I get back, get back here, and during my... Five months before I decide to quit drinking, I met a girl. She had twins. They're a month old at the time. Sebastian, who is, who has OI, osteogenesis imperfecta. And then his twin brother Lewis, who is autistic. They're still working on to what degree. So five months after this relationship I leave. Go for 45 days. Come back, and she's there to be back with. So, that's-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And the twins are now like six months old?
John Sidmore:
Yeah. And then we kind of go from, from there she helps me out a lot. Richard finally left after, it had been like that summer, I think. The summer of 2018-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
He came back with the Toyota?
John Sidmore:
Yeah. He came back with a different Toyota. And then it was just [inaudible 00:44:48]. He was like, oh well I'll give you this and this. Well then I found out the whole time when I was gone, because Brandon and Richard watched my house, because I have dogs and everything. And they watched the place. Part of the deal was you guys can stay here, make sure the house stays warm, the dogs stay alive-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Don't shoot the dogs.
John Sidmore:
Yup. Like I told them, I was like, if the dogs aren't here, you don't be here when I get back. If the dogs are here, you're okay. Because my one dog I've had since my son was six months old, so. She's been around, she's my first kid I say. But, so the meantime, he pawned a bunch of my stuff, because... Well they needed, he needed to gamble, drink, buy a little meth, stuff like that. So I can relate.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Of course. Just a little.
John Sidmore:
[00:45:26] Yeah. Just a little. Just have fun on my dime, I mean, I'm already figuring out how pay the power and everything else during this leave of absence. My work was great with it because, I drive the service truck drunk. They knew, but the same thing is, what are they going to do? They're like, we could try to fire him, but that's going to be worse because then we have to admit that we've been letting him drink and drive in the service truck for the past six years. And they're like, there's no answer or anything. But it's stupid when I look back on how many miles I drove the service truck drunk, but. So they were happy to have me back. Have me be back working, and that was good for a bit.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And you came home and the dogs were good-
John Sidmore:
Dogs were good. They were good-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And your stuff was pawned, but-
John Sidmore:
Yeah, stuff was pawned. Richard and Brandon were arguing. Brandon was drunk, because he's been struggling with alcohol. He's been an alcoholic for years. He has his own encyclopedia of stuff, and that's why we kind of wound up being friends after everything. But, so I come back home, Brandon's not around because I told him before both of them that I wasn't going to have drinking around the house. I wasn't going to have that when I come back. I want to come back to something sober. Want to work on this, because I've invested... I was away from the kids for 45 days, away from my girlfriend, away from work, the dogs, everything. So I started being good, started being good all the way around, working. I didn't go to AA. I did the Lionrock, then I was up in the IOP. My work was absolutely fantastic with it, because they knew I needed it, and it was kind of a long time coming for them.
Speaker 3:
Stay tuned to hear more in just a moment.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[00:47:16] Hi, this is Ashley Loeb Blassingame. I am here to tell you that national online recovery day will debut this year on September 22. In celebration, Lionrock Recovery is sponsoring a live sober influencer panel on getting clean and staying connected. Join me as I moderate an hour long interactive discussion with three prominent panelists live on the Lionrock Recovery's Facebook page, September 22 at 2 p.m. pacific time, 5 p.m. eastern time. Mark it down. Visit www.nationalonlinerecoveryday.com for more event details.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Okay, so you're at Banyan, and then they're like okay we have this option for you, this online IOP. Are you like, what is that, that's crazy?
John Sidmore:
Yeah. Well, they first wanted me to stay in Florida and do an IOP. They were like, can you stay here and do an IOP? I'm like, I've got a career at home. I've got my dogs, my kids, 47 acres and a house. I need to be home, I can't be in Florida. So that's when I'd left. And that's what the hardest thing is. For Montana there's, besides your local AA's, there's not a whole lot of other stuff out here. There just isn't, there's not a whole lot out here anyway. And that's what, and for the timing wise. To try to get something set up, my nearest place from here to do an IOP, I believe was Bozeman at the time. And that's like two and a half hours away. Well, I can't have a career here and be two and a half hours away. I just, it's not going to work.
John Sidmore:
So Lionrock was great, because I could do it on, over my phone. I could do, choose my sessions for the first bit. And then it wound up being less and less. And it was even better. And it was great because we met enough times. I know a lot of people there, they're still in the group that were there when I started. So it's been great.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
You guys are in the, in a continuing recovery group?
John Sidmore:
Yes. Now we're in a continuing recovery group. But we started out all in the same one.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Did you ever think you could be so close to people through video conference?
John Sidmore:
[00:49:24] No. Actually I, when I first had heard about them, I'm like, what is this going to be? I really was skeptical, because it's like okay, I don't... You can't see somebody through a computer screen, and really have a lot of stuff that you can talk about. But then again it was great because then you're talking to somebody, and you're getting all of it, but then they're not right there. You can be in your own thing. Like Laura said, she's like most people can just be wearing a shirt, and that's all they'd be wearing. Nobody would know the difference.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Nobody... Yup. It's true.
John Sidmore:
I'm like, okay. I guess if that's how you feel comfortable.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
True. [crosstalk 00:50:01] And for people who don't know, IOP is Intensive Out Patient. And Laura, she is a therapist at Lionrock. So, okay. So you come back, you're doing that, and you're back with the girlfriend. So, how does that work with coming back to life, how was that transition getting back into your life?
John Sidmore:
It was good, because at the time she had kind of quit drinking too, and was very supportive. And it was great coming back to it, and then I was able to keep myself busy, and just go from there. Then really there wasn't a whole lot that was changing for the first, first full year really. I mean, hunted, fished. I did everything. Got kind of bored with my work. My work, worked at Les Schwab tires. It was tire tack, like tractor tires, war tires, car tires, truck tires, any kind of tires, we worked on them. That was part of my vicious cycle I've always had. It was the stress from work, would buy me a drink. Stress from work would buy me a drink.
John Sidmore:
The Fall of 2018, I quit chewing because I had throat surgery. Not cancerous or anything, it was, I had a transcending uvula. So I quit chewing, and that was a great improvement on my life. And then, I couldn't, I was smoking, and I was smoking more. And I noticed I was smoking more, because of the stress of work. And it was kind of like one of those things, it's like... Then it got real stressful at work one day, and then I got another job offer, for just a little bit more. But it was Monday through Friday, no weekends. And I'm like, I'm on the 24 hour phone here at work, working every Saturday, six days a week, eight to six. So it was great, so I switched. I thought it was going to be a great career move.
John Sidmore:
Well at the end of, end of 2019, the company decided, oh we're going to give them a retraction right, at six months. Because at six months is when $2 an hour raise, full insurance and full benefits come in, because you're done with your probationary period. So magically right before that, is when they let me go. Then I had to go back to Schwab, and it didn't get any better, when I went back there. When I went back to Les Schwab. Just the turmoil of, the nepotism, the cronyism with family and everything there. And just the environment.
John Sidmore:
And then fast forward to this year, I say blown through the winter. And then April 1 of this year I changed to where I'm at now, to landscaping. Eight to five, Monday through Friday, outdoor work. And I get to see my progress. So for the reward wise, I instantly get a reward because I see what's going on.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah, you had another incident that I was curious how you dealt with. And I don't know when in this timeline this happened, but you found out that your brother had done something against one of your children, that was-
John Sidmore:
Yes, yes. My other brother, because I see my... Roy, Richard and I. Richard and I are half brothers. My father has another son that's younger than Richard, that's my other half brother. In the midst of the drinking-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Your biological father?
John Sidmore:
Yeah, my biological father. And the midst of the drinking and everything right before I went to rehab. There was an incident where he was inappropriately touching my daughter. And my, and Richard was actually the one that stopped me, because my plan ultimately was to just kill him. And that was a lot of the stuff that kind of had driven me to do the part of like, you got to stop. This got to stop. Because then I blamed myself because I couldn't protect her because I was drinking, and wasn't there. And everything had kind of got screwed up because of my drinking. And I started being more conscious of that. Then, that kind of split the family and everything else, just because things like that do.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. Did your ex wife, did she find out?
John Sidmore:
[00:54:15] She found out because... Well, she was my ex, we were separated for almost a year before we signed the papers. She found out, she of course was furious. I mean, it was... But we were coming together on that. But it was still one of those things. I found that out before I went to Florida actually. And actually, the day before I went to Florida, I signed my divorce papers, and then I went to Florida. So it was like a big week right there.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
That is a big week. And were you able to do a lot of work on those feelings of guilt at Banyan?
John Sidmore:
Yeah. A lot of it was, a lot of it was I was able to be sober enough to be able to start letting feelings in. Because a lot of it was, a lot of my drinking was around that, I'd started having feelings, I'd start getting anxiety. It works. Drinking does work. I mean, I ain't going to lie you or anything else. If you want to shut something off, you can drink yourself to shut off. Problem is you have to keep drinking to shut yourself off, or you have to drink more, and then it's the side effects. It's not so much what it doesn't do, it's what everything happens afterwards.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
I don't know if you had this experience, but I had the experience where like yes it worked. It worked. It worked. It worked. And then it didn't work as well. You needed more for less, for it to work not really as well. It didn't shut it all the way out. And you get to this place, and I think you described it. And you get to this place where it's like, there's just, you can't live with it, and you can't live without it. And there's just, there is nowhere to go. There's nowhere to turn, and you hate yourself because you've gotten yourself... I mean, you're aware that you're in this crazy situation. But there's just, it seems like there's no way out, [crosstalk 00:56:01] like there's just no way out.
John Sidmore:
[00:56:03] Yep, that's the smell, is what I call it. Is where you can... The smell and the taste, and it's just death. That's it 100%. You know you can't go on without it. And you can't get away from it. And you feel dead, and you feel sour inside. And even your breath, you can just taste it. And it's just wet, hot, and just sick. And you can just, every part of you... And I, that's where I'd gotten to. Was that I just, I knew I was doing wrong. It's like, I can't not drink. I can't not do this. And then I would be mad at myself for drinking. And it'd just be its own vicious cycle, along with what else is going on.
John Sidmore:
And then it got to be that the only part right before at the end, where it got to be was, there was the 15 minutes. And the 15 minutes, that I could be mostly there but comfortably numb before passing out at the end of the night. That was what I'd die for. And sometimes I get 16, sometimes I'd only get 10. But it was always worth it, because I had that bliss. And that's the part that worked. That's the part that kept me going because it would work, it would work. And every time it would work. And then I can forget about it. And not have to wake up and go through all the shit again, but then it would buy me that night, because I can get through it.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
It really speaks to the level of internal pain, and internal torment that we have. That we're willing to live on torched earth, or to torched earth in order to get 15 minutes or whatever it is. If you're lucky 15 minutes of that perfect space of like numb. I remember that too, where it's just like, for me it was like multiple chemicals. And I would always overshoot the mark, and try to get to that one space where you just felt that comfortably numb. Because sometimes you get so drunk, or so high, or whatever it is. You're numb but you feel like you're just out of control. You're like, oh, this is too much. You just never could get it right. And you always feel like shit.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And what was interesting for me was, I don't know if you experienced this, was that when I got sober, and when I got some time of sobriety behind me. I didn't realize how shitty I felt like. I think I got used to feeling sick every day, like just sick. That was normal, so I didn't even realize until I was no longer physically ill, that I had been so sick.
John Sidmore:
[00:58:44] Mm-hmm. Agreed. Agreed. I have that with, like with work. I'd show up to work hungover. I finished a beer on the way here, and I put in a dip, so nobody could smell it, so I could get here. And I would work, and I know I stunk, because I'd be just breaking down tires, just be working. And work until that hangover was done. And then by six o'clock, you're like, oh I'm never going to do that again. By seven o'clock you're already drunk, and it's a vicious cycle.
John Sidmore:
And then, sleeping in one time, or staying up too late the first time. When I was sober, and I woke up, and I'm like, dude this is worse than a hangover. And then I started looking at myself like, I put myself through this every day, like every day. Every day would be, wake up, and you know you still got alcohol running through your system. You know that you're smoking a Marlboro Red, and for breakfast. You're not going to eat. I lost a lot of weight through that, when I really got into it. Because it was ramen noodles and beer, that was it. There was nothing else. Because I could nuke it while I was drinking a beer, eat it. And then just go through it.
John Sidmore:
And it's like, I started looking at it. That's what I did to my body. There is a lot of questionable stuff that has happened to my body because of the alcohol, and then a lot of what we put ourselves through. And it is amazing how the human body actually heals itself. It really is a miracle in itself for what I, know what I've put through my body. Actually I don't know, because there's a lot of times I didn't know what I was doing, but.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[01:00:14] Yeah, I mean, it is... We're definitely incredibly resilient. And I think the scary thing is you don't know, none of us know where that point is where our body's going to go. And yeah, it's super, we made it through all these things, and it's incredibly resilient. But we didn't know where that, we could have been right up against that threshold of it being, that being the last straw of what, of it going.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And for a lot of people, they think, oh I'm so resilient, oh I can do this. I'll just keep pushing on this, it's not that bad. And they just don't know, it's just, you just really don't know where... I always laugh now because I'm super lactose intolerant, and not something that I went through while I was using. And the other day I had something, I had some dairy in my food, and I was just horrendously sick for a day. And I was laughing like, I think an appletini would kill me at this point. My body is so used to being, having clean energy, and not having that... I think I would drop dead, if I tried to drink or use at this point. My body's just not used to it, because you get used to whatever condition you live in for long enough.
John Sidmore:
Yeah. And like I say, that smoking a Marlboro Red for breakfast. The reason why I say it, is that was breakfast a lot of times. Wake up, same clothes as the night before. You still have that smell, you don't care. Smoke a cigarette, got to make it to work. Can't get in trouble again, can't get in trouble again. There was a lot of that. And there was a lot of that feeling too, all the way through. That you just don't care, and you just close your mind so much. The most beautiful thing I've seen after when, after I got back to Montana and sobered up for a little bit, was I watched the sun come up, I watched the sun go down. And I'd seen the moon and stars. It was like, I'd forgot the last time I'd even looked at them. Because we close our minds so much, when all we do is focus on that drink. Drive by stuff and you don't even see it. And then, how like that's the best part about recovery, was just seeing stuff, and just enjoying it, and all the senses and everything.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. It's hard to explain that, because if you had told me that's what the great part of being sober was, I would have been like great, I don't want that. That's not worth it for, to share my deepest darkest secrets and go through detox. But it's a feeling that you get, and it's been really interesting. I think no matter where on this, on the spectrum you are at this point, politically, all of us think that America is a shit show right now. I think that's an easy... I don't think it doesn't, I actually don't think it matters where you fall. Everybody thinks it's a shit shows, it is.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. That's a guarantee. Right now-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
It's a guarantee, right. It's just a shit show. That's not arguable. Whose fault it is maybe arguable. But the fact that it's that way. And I was, I had this kind of moment the other day, and I was like, oh, that's right, the only option... I was thinking about like God when is there going to be a solution? When is blah, blah, blah. Going in my mind about the stress and the chaos. And I had this moment of, oh yeah, the answer is still inner peace, it's always inner peace. Oh, it's always damn inner peace. That's what we have. And the sobriety piece is that that's what I've been able to get. But if you had told me, Ashley, you need to quit drinking and using. And in exchange you're going to get inter peace, I would have laughed and continued to drink and use.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. I did, because they told me that. They were like, oh you know, this will be this. Quit drinking, quit smoking. You'll have-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah, you'll get inner peace. Yeah.
John Sidmore:
And you'll be fine. You'll be, the world will be great. And I'm like, that's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard in my life. I'm like, I'm buying another beer and going home.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. Exactly, exactly. Yeah. I think my money is on paps.
John Sidmore:
Yup. Yup.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
I think, like I'm not interested in your snake oil. But it's amazing, you... I remember listening to people talk in early recovery, and going to meetings and listening to people say these things. Say I'm grateful to be an alcoholic, I'm grateful for what I went through, because it got me to this, and blah, blah, blah. I'm thinking to myself, what is going on here? I am in an alternative universe. And now, clean and sober 14 plus years later, I can tell you that I genuinely feel that way. I get it, I get why people say that.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
I get it, it's because your brain accesses pieces of you. And the ability to not hate yourself all day and to be comfortable in your skin. The ability to just be, have some semblance of comfort in your own skin, not want to peel your skin off and run away all the time. It changes the experience of everything around you. I think that was what I didn't understand. I thought that what I was experiencing was real. But what I was experiencing was colored by the alcohol, the anxiety, the depression, the hatred. And so I couldn't experience, like you said, the sunset, the... Those things were unremarkable because of the state of being that I was in. And so when you told me that I was going to get that again. It didn't mean anything to me because I didn't know what that meant, until it was-
John Sidmore:
Right, right. Or you don't even appreciate it.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah, I just, I had no idea. So I totally relate to that. And how, has your Native American... For me, the longer I'm sober, and the more I get into more spiritual things, and then getting really back to affirm... Again for me, more like coming back to roots and nature. So many things are really just, if you bring them back to the basic principles of things like, that's where the truth is, truth lies. So I'm just curious, have you since being sober had any reconnection to your heritage, and that kind of thing?
John Sidmore:
Yes. Actually, about a month or two ago, a lot is... This year has been my year. I mean, I know it's not the worlds year, which that's fine with me and all. But it's-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Glad it's someones year.
John Sidmore:
Right. If it's for me. If it's a choice between me or the world, I'm picking me. That's how it's going to be. I've got... Started reconnecting to a lot of my roots. And started learning Blackfoot, my native language. The language that had been spoken before Christopher Columbus even came over here. Back when the first original horses were here, before the Spaniards, before anything else. Started reconnecting to that, doing a little more prayers, a little more sun. I noticed I'd even... I started going to AA, I guess it would be January of this year. I finally went to AA, local chapter here. Tuesday night, it was great. I started going to AA at the start of this year. Actually Laura got me on, I was on layoff and there's really no excuse why I couldn't make a meeting. So I made a meeting, and it was, been great.
John Sidmore:
Well I noticed about two months ago, I was still missing something. AA was great, and then there was something missing. So, I believed it was my spirituality, that part of the higher power and getting a lot of that. And that's when I started looking more at my roots. And learning Blackfoot, and doing a little bit of stuff that way, and reading into a lot more. And that has helped out tremendously. And a lot of it, if you told me this is how I was going be three years ago. I would've been like, no.
John Sidmore:
But I get it now. A lot of this stuff fills in, and lines up, and it's great. Everything lines back to, this is what it is, this is what I need. This is, it can be better. The whole deal on the promises. Yeah, they get filled like the beakers all the way across the table, and each day like a drop gets put in one, two, or three. And at the end of it, the beakers filled up. I always thought it was like you got it all at once, because that's how we need it. Get it all at once. But it's just more drop by drop, and it adds in. And it's great because it is so much better on, it's day by day. It is how you make it, and everybody's got their own thing.
John Sidmore:
[01:08:35] And I'm, still got a long ways to go, but it's a lot easier every day. The more you open up, the more you share, the more you do for you, the better it gets all the way around. I mean, like now... Now what I'm dealing with now at two and a half years, is something that like my epiphany, that happened a couple weeks ago. Is because of another incident with my security, my insecurity, and with everything that just came crumbling down. And then a few pivotal moments opened up things that were like recessed in my brain, that I didn't want to even, even want to deal with, that now I have to deal with in sobriety. I'm doing everything all over again, except for I'm doing it sober. And I didn't know what to do when I was drinking, now I really don't know because I don't have anything extra to turn to.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
But you do know because you have this group of people that you have connected to, and that's what's cool about sobriety, right. It's like, when we were drinking, we had our, with all due respect our lovely drinking buddies.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah, yeah. Because everybody's helping you out-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah, right. So we had-
John Sidmore:
You give an alcoholic a couple beers, and then they'll tell you what's wrong with everything. They know how to fix anything.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Exactly, exactly. Like my friends, my friends, and bless their hearts I'm grateful they did it. But they got me eight balls for my birthday. That was the solution to all our problems, right. Like Everclear was definitely like, oh she's going through a breakup, we need to get her a bottle Everclear. And I'm very grateful for that, but that's not... Now we have friends who are going to help us get through this stuff, and do it sober. And I find that we get through it a lot faster, because we just get into it.
John Sidmore:
I noticed that too. I notice that we get over it faster. I noticed that when I got sick... Like when I quit smoking, I don't have my allergies anymore. Always had allergies. Then when I quit smoking-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
You mean the allergies were Marlboro Red's? Oops.
John Sidmore:
Yup, yup. Well I had, yeah... Well, I had like, I'm allergic to cottonwood too. And during seasonal allergies, I'd always get... And I'd just smoke a few more cigarettes, and drink through it, because it's miserable. And you can be either miserable-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And drunk. Or miserable and drunk-
John Sidmore:
Yup. Or you can be miserable and drunk. And you might as well be drunk, because at least you can fight fire with fire. And this year, I don't have my allergies like I had last year, when I was still smoking. I don't have, I don't get sick as bad as I did when I was drinking. There's a lot of stuff that I don't. And I can see a lot more the meaning of life, and how I interact, and how everybody else interacts around me. And look a lot deeper, because we're gifted with being alcoholics and addicts. Everybody thinks it's a curse, it's a gift. Because normal people, as I say, quote unquote normal people, would never understand what we can understand. Because they'd never be able to on the same level, because of where we put ourselves through, what we put ourselves through. How low we've gone, how high we have been, to the extent like they could. People would say, oh look, break up this that, no. It's a lot more.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
[01:12:00] I mean, I think it's kind of the same as, when you have people who go to war. And they go to war together, and they see things, and they do things. And they experience things together that a normal civilian just can't understand, it doesn't matter how... It even, even if you are as close as you can be without being there, you still weren't there. And I do think there's something to be said, and not that people who haven't been there can't help us, because they can. But there's something to be said for understanding. There is a, there is such a sense of utter hatred, and powerlessness, and chaos feeling of literally, giving yourself poison and not being able to stop, and knowing, and not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to stop, and-
John Sidmore:
And not caring either, right. Just blatantly just drinking. And being like, I know where this is going to end, or maybe I don't, or maybe... There's so many maybes, and at the same time it's like, just finish your beer. You'll be fine. That's like, you'll tell your lie to yourself, I'll get better after this one. This will be my last one, was my famous line. This will be my last one for the night. Then I would down one.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And for me, I stopped doing... I got to the point where I was like, I'm just going to do this as big and as hard as I can. Because it was almost like my antidote to like I can't stop was, I'm just going to go as hard as I can. Because then at least I wasn't trying to stop, then I wasn't fighting myself. The harder I went, the more I was like, I'm just going to do it as much as I can, as fast as I can. I wasn't fighting myself. And there's just that terrible feeling of being tortured and fighting yourself, and that's the... God I don't miss that at all.
John Sidmore:
That's a really. You have to really reach that self there too, when you quit fighting yourself. And you're like, you know what, it's off the rails, we're just going to do this, see where it goes. Hope for the best, pray for the worst, bottoms up. And that's what it was for me towards the end. And then I was like, I got to do something after I skated through everything. I got to do something, I got to do something. And then it was really... Out of everything it wasn't the kids, it wasn't me, it wasn't this, it wasn't that. All it was, was desperation.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yes. The gift of desperation.
John Sidmore:
Like the whole God complex, it's desperation. It's God. It's gift of desperation. And that's what drove me to impending doom, like this is going to happen. This is going to be horrible. What am I going to get through... I wasn't thinking about killing somebody on the road driving. I was thinking about being in trouble, like me being in trouble. The rest I didn't care about. I was so oblivious to how much I had actually risked, just to get that 15 minutes. Looking back, it's like, I can't believe it's worth it.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
It's insane.
John Sidmore:
But then again... Yeah, it is insane. But the same thing is, is it worth it because it works. [crosstalk 01:14:55] And it's everywhere. Until it doesn't, and then you have an issue. And that's where, and it's still acceptable. You get drunk somewhere, oh look, yeah they're just drunk. If you stick a needle in your arm, then everybody freaks out. But if you smoke a joint, or drink a beer, you're fine. And then it's [inaudible 01:15:18]-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Or a glass of wine, or yeah... Because you were drinking beer and... I mean, I feel like a lot of people who were their drug of choice, or their substance of choice is beer or wine. It is much harder for... And mine was real obvious that we had a problem.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. And everything... Like my phone pops up, like my favorite drink was, is actually, has always been PBR. That's what I drink. And my phone pops up, there is ads everywhere. You can't go anywhere where there isn't a beer commercial for something. There's not a heroin commercial, or a cocaine commercial, or something like... Anything like that. It's beer, wine, and then smokes. You can walk, in most places, you can walk around drinking. I mean, in Dillon here, you can walk around in the city, open container, nobody's going to say anything. And it's fine. You get drunk at a football game, it's fine. You get drunk anywhere, and they just had too much to drink. That's all it is. Even if you're killing yourself every day.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yup. We've normalized it so much. And we've really normalized binge drinking, which is interesting because-
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah, yeah. It's okay, like you have to go out and have a 30 pack to have fun. It's like, I couldn't survive a 30 pack right now-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Oh my gosh. Can you imagine. We would, I think we would die, we would just keel over and die.
John Sidmore:
I probably would. I'd probably make it through like three, and be passed out and dead, and hate my life even more than I did before I was drinking, and it would not be good. And that's what scares me the most. Just like with quitting smoking. I quit smoking, and I was mad at myself for grass being on the lawn. I was mad at the dog, because there's grass on the lawn, and I was just mad. I'll never pick up a cigarette again, because if I pick up a cigarette, that means I got to quit again, and I don't want to quit again.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Totally get that. I-
John Sidmore:
They have an opportunity, they're drinking. I can't put myself through that emotional distress, back and forth, looking back at feelings.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yeah. You get sick. I don't want to do that again.
John Sidmore:
I'm not going to do it over. Nope, that's where I'm at. And that's where it should be left.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
There were many years, I remember calling my sponsor. Many years where I said, look, I got to tell you that the only reason I'm staying sober today is because I don't want to pick up a newcomer chip, and I don't want to go through that again. And she was like, I don't really care what your reason is as long as you don't drink. Yeah. And at the time I thought I was like well shit, shouldn't I have like internal motivation, and shouldn't I care about this, and like doesn't that matter. And now I look back and like, no it does not matter. It absolutely does not matter. It doesn't matter if I did it for the Martians.
John Sidmore:
Yep, 10 seconds, two minutes, just keep adding it up. And that's what it is. And it is, and it does get easier. It does get better, when you have more time. And a lot of it is, is just don't get excited, that's what I realized the most. The first bit, like I want to do this, this, this. And that'd just set myself up for a fall. It's like, just slow down, you'll be okay. You're not drinking, find something else to do. Eat some ice cream.
John Sidmore:
That was actually a huge thing that helped me. But that was just, it was just like that, that's what it is. Now my thing is, now where I'm at, at two and a half years, is dealing with the emotions and stuff that I've had to do the first time. For the first time now I'm single and sober. That's the first time in 20 years I've had to deal with this. Not saying, I'm mad or anything, but what do I do?
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yup. There's that people who talk about sober sex for the first time, people who haven't had sober sex in 30 years. Or sober dating, or any of those things. Those things are a really big deal because they're not things that we, we don't know how to do.
John Sidmore:
Right, right. Exactly. That's just it like, try to be romantic without beer. And like, you go here you sit down and you watch the guy next to you drink half a beer, and then leave it there, like who does that at a restaurant. That's where a lot of it is. It's great because you can experience all the same stuff you did before, sober. And you can do it a different way because, really it doesn't matter which way you do it because it's new.
John Sidmore:
Like me, this is, they always say it's all the way around, right back to the same question I've been asking myself since I got sober. What does John want? What does he need? What's he going to do? And that's what everything rolls back to. And I think it always will. And I think if you keep, the more time you get with your sobriety, the better off it is, just because you have a little more, a little more and it gets easier. This past week, week and a half hasn't been easy for me, but it's one of those things that... It's something you got to deal with. It is something.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
And you've done the work, and you're doing the work, and that makes a big difference. Because when you don't do the work and you stay sober, then you're just left with the thing you ran away from.
John Sidmore:
Yeah, and you're just dry. [crosstalk 01:20:08] Yeah. Then you're just dry. And the emotion part like, half the time anymore I just get high off them. The difference, or the emotion, or anything else, because I know I'm never going to put another substance in my body. I'm not going to get there. So a little bit, a little bit of stress every now and then isn't bad. A little bit of anger, a little bit sadness even, and a little bit. Little tiny bit of shame. A little bit of stuff just kind of to keep me humble, does do a lot of it. Because it is something you gain. I mean it's something you can feel. And you might as well just enjoy it because it's probably about the only thing you're ever going to get again. If you really want to recover, and not go back to a substance doing it. Get a little bit of adrenaline, that's always nice. That same thrill we're getting from the substance.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Yup and yup. That's true. That's why I've jumped out of planes and off bridges. I got to do it.
John Sidmore:
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We did a bunch of questionable stuff when we were drinking anyway. I mean that-
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
My parents would tell you I've done a lot of questionable stuff while not drinking. My mother was like, if you die because you needed to jump out of an airplane, I am going to be so pissed. It's like, I don't know how to take that mom, but okay. If you could go back to the first day at Banyan. Okay. You arrive at Banyan, you're drunk. You wake up the next day and it's the first day sober, and you could tell yourself one thing, what would that one thing be?
John Sidmore:
I'd tell myself the same thing that I told myself, F it. We're running with it, we're already here. Nobody knows you, why not? That's where... My biggest thing was, was why not? When you get there, would do you got to lose? What do you really have to lose? Nothing, because you've already drank yourself, and already when through fear, anxiety. Put everything as a shit show. If you did it as well as I did, then it was already F’d up. It only could really get better so... As the old saying goes, you get all the way to rock bottom, al least you got something to build a good foundation then you go upward. I mean, that's what you got.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
That's true. At rock bottom is where you stop digging.
John Sidmore:
Yup, yup. That is true, and that's a lot of it. That is a lot of it.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Well thank you so much for coming and sharing your story, and your perspective. It was lovely to have you. And I'm just so inspired by the work that you're doing. And I think a lot of people will really relate to a lot of the feelings that we talked about. And particularly, I think, I really love when men come on here and talk about feelings, and having to go through them, and having it be like, look it sucked, but I did it. And it got better.
John Sidmore:
Right. Well, and a lot of the stuff, like I said, my recent thing that was here was like... My ex girlfriend now, she went through a bunch of stuff, lost her kids, had a lot of stuff going with her. And she attempted to, she attempted suicide. And that's where a lot of the feeling that kind of reverted back to 29 years ago. Me being five, that I'm having to deal with now, they only came up being sober, because now I'm finally at a spot to be able to deal with them and do something. And it's like, that's the kind of stuff that... If it was three years ago, I wouldn't have been able to deal with it.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
Right. Of course.
John Sidmore:
Because I would have been, everything was stressed.
Ashley Loeb Blassingame:
But now you are, and it's just... That's a miracle. It's an amazing thing, and you've done amazing work. And you've taken advantage of the opportunities placed in front of you. That's a big deal. That's an important piece to this too, is that you took advantage of the opportunities that were laid out in front of you, and... Yeah. I'm just really happy for you, and inspired by your story. So thank you for coming on and sharing it. I really appreciate it.
John Sidmore:
Thank you.
Speaker 3:
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